Semi-in-a-Relationship

Previously, I think I told you all that I lost the first guy that I have ever loved this year. Let’s call him R.

R and I were together for more than seven months. Though some may say that was short, hence, less pain when things ended off but I do not think time can justify the depth of the feelings we had (or I had). I deeply loved him and even though it is sad that we have ended things, I know that I will always care for him.

I am perfectly fine now. However, there are some days when the cut and bruises I gained from that relationship (not physically, he WOULD NEVER do such to me) resurfaced and I guess today is one of those days.

Before anything else, read this post on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/officialpagesaa/photos/a.1659000181026970.1073741827.1648552842071704/1783135351946785/?type=3&theater

This summed up my relationship with him. It all started out with both of us swearing that we did not want to be committed to each other. But, what can you expect? The more I spent time with him, the more I realised I was falling for him. And his actions showed me that he felt the same because we started to become more serious and committed to each other. I was his and he was mine. Not only that, he has met my friends and all thought he was the one because he was that caring and affectionate to me and I was really happy. However, we were still ‘dating’ under his term and I was never his “girlfriend” but his “girl” because he was not willing to let others have me but he did not want to be in a relationship with me. As he has already opened up to me, I just thought he needed more time due to the emotional baggage from his previous relationship. Hence, I was willing to wait because his actions showed that he genuinely cared for me and I felt that he was worth the wait.

Nonetheless, everything changed when I moved to Melbourne. We made an agreement that everything would end once I landed in Melbourne but that was NOT the case. We decided to be in a LDR and he even visited me in Melbourne. But, it was a transition period to me (and also for R as he has to serve mandatory National Service for two years) and I needed to know if this was worth it. So, I asked him  “the question”.

“Why are we not in a relationship though we are committed to each other? Isn’t what we have right now already a relationship?”

And his reply was brutal. “No. Maybe this is a relationship to you but for me, I only want to be in a relationship with THE ONE.”

It was as if I was hit by the lightning. Till now, I am asking to myself, “what am I, then?” I could always feel his care and affection all the time but the fact that he said I am not his ideal girl made me question everything. What am I? And I just couldn’t understand because if I were not the one for him, why was he doing all those kind of things for me?  Why was he staying and wasting both of our time? Why were we even doing this long-distance thing, then?

To make things worse, I started to ask self-harming questions like, “Why could not I be the one?”,  “Is it that hard to love me?”.  This leads to so many sleepless nights with self-loathing and waking up with red, puffy eyes. Not only that, this started to affect the relationship that we had as this led to so many arguments. He was not intentionally trying to emotionally abuse me but  I let him hurt me, I let him affect me, I let him break me.

We tried to end things off but we kept on reconciling. But, one day, I guess we both were tired of this. And he finally said, “this is it. No turning back.”  I, obviously, begged him to stay but deep down, I realised the truth. “Why am I trying so hard to keep the person who clearly do not want to be kept?” The truth is that no matter how long I wait, he just did not want to be kept by me. It was not my fault and it was not that I don’t deserve love. Part of him could have loved me deeply if he wants to. He gave me all sorts of hurtful reasons- starting from “we agreed on not being in a relationship” in the early stages of the relationship to “we are both too young to settle down” by the end of the relationship. These comments are solely because he did not want to be kept by me.

So, to all those girls who are in the same situation with me, this is harsh but I just would like to say, “don’t be delusional”. Don’t think that if you wait for a long time, he will eventually happen to love you. Loving someone is a choice and it only works if he chooses to love you. So, if he is just lingering around with no intention to make that choice, drop everything and move on.

I know in reality, this is pretty hard to do. It is hard to get over him but as cliché as it sounds, focus on yourself. Once you start focusing on improving yourself, you will begin to know your worth. That is when you will truly realise that you deserve to be loved and that it is not you but it is him. 

I would like to end of this post with this song by Kehlani:

Till next time.

xoxo

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